Gigantic Tears

Monday, February 28, 2011

By 8:15 I had said goodbye to Chris, eaten breakfast, and sat on the couch to read my blogs. I thought for sure that Siena would wake up at any moment so I just sat quietly reading. Through a blog that I've been reading I was linked to another blog I'd never seen, which in turn brought me to Maddie's story. As I began to read I found out that 4month old Madison Paige had gone to heaven not even two weeks ago. I was in such shock as I read on and on and on. Our lives are so similar. We were married within three weeks of eachother, got pregnant two weeks apart, and our babies were born four days apart.

I sat on my couch crying gigantic tears.

I looked at pictures of sweet Maddie and could not even begin to understand what her parents were going through. I watched a slideshow that showed her parents getting engaged, married, getting pregnant, delivering her, and then each month up until a week and a half ago. So many pictures reminded me of Siena Joy. They have similar face structure, have chubby cheeks, even have some of the same clothes and blankets.

I never ever check on Siena. I have had some sort of peace about her sleeping since she was born and am more afraid of waking her up then what could happen.

But I had to see her.
& I had to see if she was breathing.

I stared at my baby's back rising and falling. I couldn't stop crying so I left the room. I sat back down and just cried out to Jesus. Please comfort that family Lord. Please. I pray that they know you. If they don't, I pray that they meet you through this horrific event.

Twenty minutes later Siena was still not awake.

I had to go in again. She started stirring and normally I would let her move around until she woke up.

But I had to hold her. I had to smell her. I had to hug her.
Because I don't know how long I get to.

This has changed my perspective. It has given me a thankful heart for even the times that are so frustrating and irritating. It makes me want to wake up a million times during the night and hold her close because right now I can. My heart aches for them. I don't know them but I know very well the love that they had for their baby girl. I don't know them but I feel like I do.

Today's portion of the book talks about gifts from the heart. Although I would have much rather learned this lesson in a different way, her mama and daddy's blogging has truly been a gift to my heart. I am overcome with emotion at their experience and I am so thankful for their honest writing. It has caused me to live today with a different attitude.

JOB Day 6- Write down a gift that someone has given you from the heart (not necessarily a physical gift, something that has touched you in a way nothing else has)

**If you desire to cultivate a heart of thankfulness & are willing to try it for 31 days (give or take - there is always grace here) - post a comment during any of my blogs that relate to thankfulness.
I will send you a gift at the end to show my thankfulness for you. If you are curious what the JOB is read my post here.


  1. I can see your heart and hear your emotions in your writing Megan.

    For JOB Day 6, it wasn't hard for me to decide, my wedding ring. But for some reason the proceeding thought was that that was too cliche... but it shouldn't be! Christopher gave me the gift of choosing to spend the rest of his life with me! ME! Broken, sinful, and baggage filled me. I told him when we first started dating that he had no idea what he was getting into and you know what he said, "you maybe right but I do know it will be worth it." I've known that God loves me but it wasn't until Christopher that I began to truly experience Christ centered love.

  2. This makes me want to go wake Locke from his nap and snuggle him, because you are right; we may have ten more minutes with our babies...or ten more years etc etc. Thanks Megan.