Bold in my soul

Monday, April 30, 2012

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the forecast. How our forecast was looking bright, both weather wise and just in the blessing that the Lord was giving us. It was a slight hint to you on a bigger change in our forecast.

It now included a baby. A new baby.

The next two weeks led me down a road of dealing with a lot of undealt with emotions. You see, I held some guilt for our last miscarriage - which I'm open to talking about; it is just a whole other story. Christ was showing me that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't need to walk around feeling like it was, and that this prior experience didn't need to cloud my emotion and excitement for this new baby.

It took some time, some talking, and some tears to get there.
But I got there. I got to the place of feeling excited for this new child, ready to be pregnant, and welcome into the world another little bundle of joy.

Chris was going away for the weekend on an excursion with some great college guys with the intention of hearing from the word and seeking the Spirit. He left at dinnertime on my birthday (don't worry - I agreed to it!) and Siena and I had Thai dinner with some friends and a relaxing evening.

Saturday we were going to the zoo with two great friends and two great babies. Early that morning we sprinted to the Farmer's Market to grab some veggies and bread - to get back just in time to leave to the zoo. But I got home and very quickly found out that I was having some bleeding. I know the statistics and I know there is sometimes bleeding in pregnancy - but I have some blood issues and for my specific situation this was not good.

I went through Saturday, hanging with my two great friends at home - being encouraged by and prayed for - wanting the bleeding to stop so that my baby would be saved. Chris came home that evening and during my time alone in our bed I could only find my strength in the Lord through the Psalms. I have found that through each larger trial the only words that fit are those great Psalms. I was reading Psalm 139, one that sweetly describes how he creates us and knows us so intimately. I then went on to read the previous Psalm and found this,

"On the day I called, you answered me;
you made me bold in my soul with strength." 

By Sunday evening the bleeding still had not subsided. After a second call to the ER - they decided that it was best for me to come in. So, after five and a half hours at the ER, an IV, exams, ultrasounds, shots - you name it we did it - we found out that I had already miscarried/ was miscarrying the baby.

God is so good. This process has been hard. But he is so, so good.
Yesterday morning Chris and I sat on the couch and praised God through worship music.
I bawled and bawled.
I wanted this baby so badly but I was beginning to see that God's plan was different than mine.

Sitting in the hospital bed last night I had a lot of time to glance through the word to find passages on suffering and trials. These are a few that spoke greatly to me.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:11-13

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1Peter 4:12-13

Yes, I am sad. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan. I was reminded yesterday through 1Peter 2:9 that my purpose given by God is to proclaim his excellencies as he has called me out of darkness and into light.

Last night we received some bad news.
But what a hopeful story as we know some great news!

Christ understands our pain, our trial, our suffering.
He had greater pain than we will ever feel, more intense trial, and greater suffering.
He held the weight of our sin on the cross when he died for us.
He did that so we could be reconciled to our perfect Creator.

The God who loves me enough to die for me, loves me so greatly in the midst of losing this baby. And he loves you SO greatly in the midst of your pain, your loss, and even your success.

All I pray through this trial is that people would hear the excellencies of Christ.

The Forecast is

Thursday, April 19, 2012

sunny and 70-80 all week.
telling me we will have more of Siena Joy singing out her little songs.
making me excited to live in SD.

I'm looking forward to the week,  to seeing our missional community tonight, to date night tomorrow, to LA on Saturday, to our gathering on Sunday.

How is your forecast?

Remember that the weather doesn't really matter... I grew up in Seattle/I know what it is like to have endless rain. A forecast means talking about the next events.
So what are you looking forward to?
What is your forecast?


18 months!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


I am so thankful for my precious blessing of a baby girl. Although she is not termed a baby anymore but toddler, I will continue to call her my baby for probably the next 50 years. Thank you for her hilarious attitude where she cracks up laughing at me in the front seat of the car when all I do is smile. Thank you that she loves people and says hi to any person at random wherever we are - I think it makes people feel special that such a beautiful baby would say hi to them. Thank you that you are building such a sweet bond between the two of us (I especially love that she now hugs my legs at certain moments of the day as it is such a sweet part of motherhood) and that you are bonding her with her daddy. As he sings her butterfly kisses before bed she asks up dada and is whisked from my arms and into her loving daddy's embrace. Thank you that you have blessed us with a wonderful year and a half with rough and hard moments in between - you got us through. Psalm 5 says that you give ear to our words and I have found that is so true in parenting this little girl. Thank you for changing me. Thank you that I am not the mama I was 17 months ago, 12 months ago, 6 months ago. Thank you for teaching me how to love this rambunctious little girl who loves her kitty named Susy, her lambie named Bob, oatmeal with blueberries (or raisins if she is lucky and happens to be with Grammie), Curious George, reading so many books, eating frozen peas, going swimmy swim in the California sun, face timing with family, days at the park and so much else. This little girl I have been blessed with is a lover of so much and we love her so much.

For your glory Jesus,

Siena Joy is a year old

Monday, April 16, 2012

(Actually that was 6 months ago tomorrow...)

I figured at some point I should actually post these. So, I finally edited them and here they are!

I  made this S for the front door - it is now hanging in her room! 

Her cake was pink and tiny - our theme was the tiny girl is turning one! 

Name blocks that my Grandma Janet bought for Siena before she was born. 

The kids painted tiny houses as an activity at the birthday party. 

Our favor was a tiny bag full of tiny cookies! 

I also made tiny birthday hats for the kids to wear. 

Here is my sweet mama! 

We had a photo booth set up in my in-laws huge pantry! 

Some of the props! 

Family photo! 

My first time baking and decorating a cake and mini cupcakes! 

I love this picture!

Sweet Mags. 

We danced. 

Chris dressed up as an Amish woman in shades. 

Grandma M! 

I absolutely love this picture.

The three brothers. 

Daddy praying for his baby girl. 

What do I do with this? 

Oh, this is good! 

Real good. 

Hey, mom. Do you want some?

Here are some pictures on her actual birthday!

**Sorry for the picture overload AGAIN!