What are you doing?

Who will say to him,

"What are you doing?"

Job 8:12

We moved to San Diego almost five months ago. The Lord has been so gracious in teaching us abundantly about himself, our family, and our sin among so many other things during this short amount of time. He has provided a home in the location and price range we needed, reliable community who loves us already, and money to eat, pay our bills, and have a little fun. 

After two miscarriages in a span of six months we were asking God for direction, because like Proverbs says, we have many plans but ultimately he directs our steps. After seeing our friends practically live out the call to take care of orphans our hearts were softened and we discussed what it would look like for our family to do it as well. Through the second miscarriage and reading an incredible book, Adopted for Life, I now see every child as God's not mine. Biological, adopted, foster. These are all terms we put on a life, and a term that doesn't belong. They are a child - not a label. They are given to you by God to steward - no matter if you had a part in actually creating their body or not. This was so sweet to me and led Chris and I to talk more about practically starting the Foster/Adoption process and to also allow for others to speak into our lives about this certain area.

After having conversations with a few close couples and discussing what it would look like for us, Chris and I decided to start the process and attended the orientation. At that time we both knew that it was the way that God was telling us to go and felt very sure of the whole process. We signed all the initial paperwork, signed up for six weeks of classes, and had our finger prints done. A week later we had more paperwork in our mailbox, phone calls with a social worker, and a meeting for an initial home inspection two weeks later. 

During a conversation with a friend I had a quick and sobering realization. Siena would be two in October and so because of a law that requires two year olds to have a room away from parents... the process had to cease. For now. 

We don't have a big enough home. Job laid out the fact that we can't question what God's doing. So I am not going to. God can get us out of this house, find a family to take over our lease, find us a new home, give Siena a bigger room with a crib that is big enough for her, and find us a new place to live. Along with this process, we have also been brought to the place of allowing ourselves to get pregnant again. Our idols of control, comfort, and money have been broken down. We won't stop God's plan because we are scared of what it can bring. 

Obviously my one year old doesn't know my heart or what's going on behind the scenes of book reading, coloring, and playing with her blocks. But this conversation that we just had in the midst of writing this post shows me that God is sweet enough to give her to me and love me well through her words. 

S: Brother,
M: Brother? (Did I hear her correctly?)
M: Do you want a brother?
S: I want a baby.
M: I want a baby too.
S: I want a baby brother.

I have never talked to her about having a brother. But I want her to have one too.

Everything is possible with God. 

I'm not going to doubt it.

Are you?