Bold in my soul

Monday, April 30, 2012

Two weeks ago, I wrote a post about the forecast. How our forecast was looking bright, both weather wise and just in the blessing that the Lord was giving us. It was a slight hint to you on a bigger change in our forecast.

It now included a baby. A new baby.

The next two weeks led me down a road of dealing with a lot of undealt with emotions. You see, I held some guilt for our last miscarriage - which I'm open to talking about; it is just a whole other story. Christ was showing me that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't need to walk around feeling like it was, and that this prior experience didn't need to cloud my emotion and excitement for this new baby.

It took some time, some talking, and some tears to get there.
But I got there. I got to the place of feeling excited for this new child, ready to be pregnant, and welcome into the world another little bundle of joy.

Chris was going away for the weekend on an excursion with some great college guys with the intention of hearing from the word and seeking the Spirit. He left at dinnertime on my birthday (don't worry - I agreed to it!) and Siena and I had Thai dinner with some friends and a relaxing evening.

Saturday we were going to the zoo with two great friends and two great babies. Early that morning we sprinted to the Farmer's Market to grab some veggies and bread - to get back just in time to leave to the zoo. But I got home and very quickly found out that I was having some bleeding. I know the statistics and I know there is sometimes bleeding in pregnancy - but I have some blood issues and for my specific situation this was not good.

I went through Saturday, hanging with my two great friends at home - being encouraged by and prayed for - wanting the bleeding to stop so that my baby would be saved. Chris came home that evening and during my time alone in our bed I could only find my strength in the Lord through the Psalms. I have found that through each larger trial the only words that fit are those great Psalms. I was reading Psalm 139, one that sweetly describes how he creates us and knows us so intimately. I then went on to read the previous Psalm and found this,

"On the day I called, you answered me;
you made me bold in my soul with strength." 

By Sunday evening the bleeding still had not subsided. After a second call to the ER - they decided that it was best for me to come in. So, after five and a half hours at the ER, an IV, exams, ultrasounds, shots - you name it we did it - we found out that I had already miscarried/ was miscarrying the baby.

God is so good. This process has been hard. But he is so, so good.
Yesterday morning Chris and I sat on the couch and praised God through worship music.
I bawled and bawled.
I wanted this baby so badly but I was beginning to see that God's plan was different than mine.

Sitting in the hospital bed last night I had a lot of time to glance through the word to find passages on suffering and trials. These are a few that spoke greatly to me.

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:11-13

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1Peter 4:12-13

Yes, I am sad. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan. I was reminded yesterday through 1Peter 2:9 that my purpose given by God is to proclaim his excellencies as he has called me out of darkness and into light.

Last night we received some bad news.
But what a hopeful story as we know some great news!

Christ understands our pain, our trial, our suffering.
He had greater pain than we will ever feel, more intense trial, and greater suffering.
He held the weight of our sin on the cross when he died for us.
He did that so we could be reconciled to our perfect Creator.

The God who loves me enough to die for me, loves me so greatly in the midst of losing this baby. And he loves you SO greatly in the midst of your pain, your loss, and even your success.

All I pray through this trial is that people would hear the excellencies of Christ.


  1. Amen Megan! Amen! I'm sorry for the pain, but I praise Jesus with you and Praise Jesus for such a heart as yours and such a Glory He proclaims through you and your family!!!!!!

    1. Thanks Jhen! I appreciate your understanding in Christ! Can't wait to see you guys soon!

  2. Megan, I am so sorry. My heart is aching with you right now and I wish I could give you a hug and pray with you.
    We love you guys and will be lifting you up in prayer in the days/weeks/months to follow.
    you are right to remember that these things are not up to us or in our control. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away and in all of that, He does ALL things well. I'm going to pray for peace and comfort to be on you and Chris and also pray that God will soon bless you with a full term, healthy baby.
    I love you,

    1. I really appreciate your prayers Stef! We felt them!

      We love you guys!

  3. Megan, your words are so encouraging and heart breaking all at the same time. I hear your desire to follow Jesus selflessly and I hear your deep desire to have another child. You're right, our God is good. His plans are perfect and often much different than ours. He will continue to sustain you in the days ahead. He's hemmed you in behind and before and His hand is upon you. Praying for you and trusting that God will only give you the best...for your good and His glory!

    1. Thank you Morgann! I am so thankful for your prayers and heart :) will be connecting soon via email!

  4. Megan you are so brave and I have not doubt that your transparency is helping women with similar guilt and heartache. My prayers are with you C & S and I pray that someday God brings you another happy, healthy baby. Praise Jesus for your warm heart and for your selflessness in opening your life so willingly. Peace be with you sister.

    1. Thank you for your prayers Jessie! I would love to hear how you are doing!

  5. It is a privilege to pray for you as your grieve, and rejoice with you over God's great plan. May He give you abundant peace, friend.

    1. Thank you for your sweet prayers, they were/are a huge blessing :)

  6. meg, my heart is aching with you for the loss of that sweet little baby. your transparency and heart of worship {even in trials} has always and will continue to be a huge blessing to me. i am praying for you as you heal emotionally and physically, praying that Jesus continues to be the source of your joy. praying that you always remember that he loves you more than the sparrows, and that not even this was out of his control. you are making a difference in the lives of many people by being bold, and brave in Christ and walking so openly in his will for your life. i love you, i could say that a million times. We will be praying for chris - that his heart is reminded of all the things i mentioned above, that Jesus continues to be the source of his Joy. praying that your new community will surround you and love you like family, and for sweet little joy-joy, that she may be a sweet reminder of the Lord's blessing in your life. i miss you like crazy - and love you deeply.

    1. This is such a sweet note. I love you friend. Thank you for encouraging me.

  7. Megan,

    I am so sorry for your loss! Praying for you and your family!

    Love, Liz

    1. Your prayers are a blessing! I miss you Liz!

  8. Megan, I am so, so sorry. I'll be praying for you.

  9. Skip, Sheila, & Cam,
    Thinking of you during this difficult time.

    Luv you Guys!!!!!!