No Condemnation

This morning was rough & I just want to tell you that if you are going to read my blog - you are in for the honest truth. I need this to be a place that I can pour my heart out. Even if not everyone agrees with me. Even if not everyone enjoys my blog posts. Even if it takes a heart-pounding twenty minutes to get the truth typed out.

This morning I woke up and felt a funny feeling in my stomach. A feeling I haven't felt this deep in a little over a year. Guilt. Heart-wrenching, stomach churning, disgusting guilt. Condemning guilt.

It was overwhelming.

I came out to my couch this morning around 7:15 before my family was awake. I sat and thought and processed and cried out to the Lord. I read my bible. I told him I was sorry. Sorry for treating his precious child the way that I had. I had a week of really yielding myself to the Holy Spirit and out of that was an outpouring of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control. The fruit of the Spirit were so evident in my life and relationships with my husband and daughter.

I'm not sure what happened. But I stopped the constant yielding. I started listening to my flesh and giving in to the temptation to be angry and selfish. Yesterday CK stayed home from work because he was sick on Valentines Day. It was a pretty low key day and we watched a movie, ate sandwiches that were supposed to be for his work party, and stayed in sweats. But by 4 (this happens to be my turning point in most days) I was exhausted and succumbing to my emotional self.

Chris helped me as much as he could but Siena was out of sorts, tired, and fussy. We made dinner and enjoyed it with our good friend Sendhil. We all laughed and had a good evening and eventually Sendhil left after we devoured yummy gluten free dessert made by our sweet friend Lexi. Right after he left, Siena woke up and was fussy. I was determined to have her sleep till 9:15 so she would be in bed on schedule at 10pm. My schedule that is. This didn't work and so eventually I fed her. Twenty minutes in to the feeding, she stopped eating which angered me even more. So... I took her in her room and tried to put her to sleep. She refused and I held her head to my chest as she tried moving it back and forth and cried out. Every little thing she did frustrated me and two minutes later my sweet husband came in to rescue me. He tried for a few minutes and asked if she could still be hungry. Boy, was she ever. I was trying to forcefully put my precious angel to sleep on a half full tummy. I then tried again to put her to sleep but getting upset Chris again took her from me and laid her down. Little Siena woke up 5 mins later and her amazing daddy went back in on a sick day, when he had to work the next morning, and got her to sleep once again.

Why am I stuck in feelings of guilt and condemnation?
Why I am stuck in the cycle of unrighteousness and sin?
Why do I choose disgusting choices over fruit that comes only from my loving God?

Those are questions that I ask myself whenever I struggle.

But...

I. Know. The. Answer.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were STILL SINNERS, Christ died for us. Since, therefore we have been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." - Romans 5:6-11

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1-2

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment; the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been carried out in God." - John 3:16-21


I refuse to let my life and circumstances stay in the darkness. I am bringing them into the light so that Jesus has control and the enemy has none.