love.

Today, I can really say that I love being a mom. People have asked that so many times since I had Siena and each time had to come up with an answer. I would ask myself, “Do I love being a mom?” I couldn’t say yes. I couldn’t say no.

I couldn’t say yes because I didn’t feel like I loved being a mom. I knew I would. I knew that the Lord created me to be one and blessed me with a baby.

I couldn’t say no because I was scared. Scared to have people look at me crazy. Scared to admit that I didn’t love the job that the Lord gave me. Scared to say no.

A couple of times I half admitted that I wasn’t enjoying being a mom. That it was really hard. That most times I was up through the night I wanted to scream. I wanted to go outside and scream as loud as I could. I wanted to throw things. I’ve talked about this unrighteous, disgusting, sinful anger before. It was ugly. That most times I had to hold my baby through naps I wanted to cry. I’d even figured out how to go to the bathroom while holding her, open the fridge and eat, pour a glass of juice, have a quiet time. Pretty much anything.

I loved it for awhile. It was easier on me and much more restful. I didn’t have to listen to much crying and I could read and look at blogs for as long as she napped.

She finally got to the point where she was waking up throughout her naps where I would have to jiggle her back to sleep. It wasn’t getting easier, it was getting harder. So as I said before, we are on a new plan. I couldn’t hold my 13 pound baby forever.

Our days are not perfect but the Lord has looked on us and blessed my prayers. Each day is not easy but I am definitely learning to LOVE being a mom and LOVE my daughter more and more each day.

Awhile back my friend Shelbs and I were reading a hilarious post on parenting and knowing if you were ready. She told me that all of those “funny” things (that were actually more like reasons not to have a baby) were more scaring her than anything. We talked about how I should write a list of reasons that make parenting a joy. I have so procrastinated writing that list because I couldn’t necessarily find joy each day. But now I am. Now I can write that list. This post is half for my relationship with Siena and half because I have such an amazing friend named Shelby Lanting. She is such a blessing in my life and I hope to bless her through this list. Her friendship means so much to me.

*It is a joy to:

- be needed by such a sweet human

- know that you can ease her discomfort more than anyone else in the world

- know that you and your husband created such a beauty

- go to pick her up and see the gorgeous smiles that come alive because she knows you are there to be with her

- watch her grow and become a little girl

- see development each day – She is about to roll over and actually put her thumb in her mouth two days ago for the first time!

- know that the Lord has put her in my life to glorify him in my actions, sanctify me in the trials and joys, and to share the gospel with her every day

- watch her daddy and how much he loves her, totally redeeming father daughter love

- see how much others get joy from her and know that she is a part of me

- watch her little 6lb self become a chubby rolly polly 13 lb girl

- see that she is growing out of her second set of clothes and get ready to get into the next bag

- change her diapers because I am making her more comfy

- change her clothes and make her super cute with large flowers on her little head

- hear her make noises and try talking back to you

- pick her up after a nap and snuggle her little head into my shoulder

- lay her on my bed and sing and dance and watch her smile and laugh at me

- watch her daddy snuggle her on sleep in mornings

- … and sooo many more.

Hope that helped Shelbs. I love you. Thank you for constantly encouraging me and being there for me in everything over the last almost 5 years!