lesson for ME

Typically Monday nights are full of bible study at my in laws, some yummy dessert, and SJ entertaining all of the friends and family. Last night was not an exception and after twenty minutes rolling around on the ground, walking, and screaming HI!!! at everyone my sweet girl dressed only in a diaper was ready for bed. I took her into our suite to get her ready for bed, changed her, read her stories, sang Jesus Loves Me and In Christ Alone,  and prayed for her. I laid her down and shut the door. Normally, after we lay her down little noises and conversation with Kitty begin to happen until she lulls herself off to sleep. I waited to hear these outside the door but was left with only silence.

Somewhere in between the lyrics of those songs I sang my babe and this moment - the enemy crept in. My head began to be filled with nonsence and lies about what might happen to my precious Joyful Noise. I felt stuck as if my feet were deep in concrete and my chest felt tight. I just couldn't leave. Probably about a minute into this spiral I felt the Lord nudging me to trust Him and to leave the room and get back to bible study. That is of course what I did but it definitely didn't change the way that I was feeling.

I got into bed that night and began to pray that the Lord would calm my soul and help me to know that Siena was in his care. I also had Chris pray for me because I hadn't felt such deep insecurity, fear, and anxiety in quite awhile. I'm unsure of all of the reasons - but I tossed and turned all night long. At 1am I heard Siena say in a concerned voice, "Up Pease Mama." I went right in (thinking that she would be laying down as she had before when sick and I would rub her back) and she was standing up. This kind of made me feel unnerved and so I picked her and Kitty up and brought her into bed. She laid on my chest and I rocked her for twenty minutes but not once did her eyes close. I put her back to bed after trying to comfort her the best I could and continued to barely sleep the rest of the night.

Right before getting her dressed for bed tonight she noticed my bible sitting on the bed next to us. She kept saying bible so I opened it up and began to read it to her. The place that I turned was Psalm 91.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge;
His faithfulness is a shield and a buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness, nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

I read that to her and began to explain to her that she should not fear the terror of the night. That Jesus will protect her and that if she wakes up she can remember that and lay back down. Although I know that she is young I am trying to already have advanced conversations (even if she doesn't understand) with her so that they become routine for us. About ten minutes later I was sitting in my bed with my bible reading the Psalm again. I realized that although I may have begun to teach Siena this lesson, the Lord was also teaching me.

I need to dwell in the shelter of the Most High.
I need to abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I need to say to the Lord that he is my refuge and my fortress and that I trust him!


Only then will I not fear, only then will I not listen to and be overcome by what could happen, only then will I find peace. And only then will the lyrics of the sweet song I had sung Siena ring true in my soul.

No guilt in life, 
no fear in death,
this is the power of CHRIST in me. 

P.S. Here is our love bug on Valentine's Day!