It now included a baby. A new baby.
The next two weeks led me down a road of dealing with a lot of undealt with emotions. You see, I held some guilt for our last miscarriage - which I'm open to talking about; it is just a whole other story. Christ was showing me that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't need to walk around feeling like it was, and that this prior experience didn't need to cloud my emotion and excitement for this new baby.
It took some time, some talking, and some tears to get there.
But I got there. I got to the place of feeling excited for this new child, ready to be pregnant, and welcome into the world another little bundle of joy.
Chris was going away for the weekend on an excursion with some great college guys with the intention of hearing from the word and seeking the Spirit. He left at dinnertime on my birthday (don't worry - I agreed to it!) and Siena and I had Thai dinner with some friends and a relaxing evening.
Saturday we were going to the zoo with two great friends and two great babies. Early that morning we sprinted to the Farmer's Market to grab some veggies and bread - to get back just in time to leave to the zoo. But I got home and very quickly found out that I was having some bleeding. I know the statistics and I know there is sometimes bleeding in pregnancy - but I have some blood issues and for my specific situation this was not good.
I went through Saturday, hanging with my two great friends at home - being encouraged by and prayed for - wanting the bleeding to stop so that my baby would be saved. Chris came home that evening and during my time alone in our bed I could only find my strength in the Lord through the Psalms. I have found that through each larger trial the only words that fit are those great Psalms. I was reading Psalm 139, one that sweetly describes how he creates us and knows us so intimately. I then went on to read the previous Psalm and found this,
"On the day I called, you answered me;
you made me bold in my soul with strength."
By Sunday evening the bleeding still had not subsided. After a second call to the ER - they decided that it was best for me to come in. So, after five and a half hours at the ER, an IV, exams, ultrasounds, shots - you name it we did it - we found out that I had already miscarried/ was miscarrying the baby.
God is so good. This process has been hard. But he is so, so good.
Yesterday morning Chris and I sat on the couch and praised God through worship music.
I bawled and bawled.
I wanted this baby so badly but I was beginning to see that God's plan was different than mine.
Sitting in the hospital bed last night I had a lot of time to glance through the word to find passages on suffering and trials. These are a few that spoke greatly to me.
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:11-13
"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." 1Peter 4:12-13
Yes, I am sad. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan. I was reminded yesterday through 1Peter 2:9 that my purpose given by God is to proclaim his excellencies as he has called me out of darkness and into light.
Last night we received some bad news.
But what a hopeful story as we know some great news!
Christ understands our pain, our trial, our suffering.
He had greater pain than we will ever feel, more intense trial, and greater suffering.
He held the weight of our sin on the cross when he died for us.
He did that so we could be reconciled to our perfect Creator.
The God who loves me enough to die for me, loves me so greatly in the midst of losing this baby. And he loves you SO greatly in the midst of your pain, your loss, and even your success.
All I pray through this trial is that people would hear the excellencies of Christ.
