Obedience.

On March 21st, Chris received an email from our good friend, who is also the Children's Director at our church. This email stated that internships were changing (Chris was currently an intern in Children's Ministry) and that we needed to pray about whether or not we wanted to accept the new internship which included things like more hours and more training among other things.

We prayed and both felt the Lord pulling us in the direction of accepting the new internship. This meant a few things for our family. Part time work for the Church. Part time work for Chris' current job as he basically would demote himself to a lower position to continue to provide for our family. This also meant trying to find a family to house us for this season so as not to put an unnecessary burden upon Chris to work more than he should (a recommendation for anyone accepting these new internships).

A little back story. Since we met, Chris and I have both felt that obedience would look a little crazy for us in the eye of the typical person. We felt that the Lord would call us to do some pretty abnormal things for the gospel. It makes sense doesn't it? Jesus did a pretty abnormal thing, in laying his life at the cross, paying our penalty for our sin? In light of that crazy, amazing, act of a blessing - our lives should imitate his and be abnormally different to share the good news of a savior with the world. Right? Right. Because we knew that the desire had been placed in both of us, we were prayerfully considering every opportunity that came our way since being married. At the end of last year, a few came up, but I didn't feel peace about any of them. So we continued to pray and wait.

After we prayed, talked, and decided that we would accept the internship more began to change. The Lord began tugging at my heart to raise funds for this season. He helped me remember my previous three stints in raising support and how his name was glorified and how he provided every penny that I needed. The next day another one of our friends mentioned Great Commission Ministries and how we should consider raising money through them. Then we received more news to pray about.

We were asked to pray through accepting a full time unpaid staff position for our church. We prayed and talked and decided. It was so peaceful. Is raising your salary 100% peaceful? Is moving two times into two different families homes 100% peaceful? Is quitting your job that is providing money for your family 100% peaceful? Is telling your family and friends of this crazy opportunity 100% peaceful? In the world's standards? No. It's not. But it has been! Gloriously peaceful. Every decision that we've made has been laced with Jesus' peace and for that I am SO grateful. I know this is his plan. His will. His timing.

Of course, you may have questions. That makes sense. We want to answer them the best we can. But we don't know everything. Just like four months ago we had no idea that any of this would be happening. But the Lord slowly revealed it and it is good. So, if you have questions please, please ask. If you need clarification - I will do my best! And, if you support the gospel going out and want to support us you can go here and type in Chris Knight. But truly, we covet your prayers for Jesus to do work to allow us to work and serve him.

Here is the letter that we sent our a few days ago.

I'm grateful to be able to finally fill you in on the details.

We are SO encouraged, SO excited, SO ready to continue to be obedient to the call on our lives.

wrapped in a handkerchief?

Hey Y'all.

No, I'm not southern. But seriously I wish I could say Y'all without it sounding weird.
I can't believe it's been about a week since I've come around here. That's what happens with a move, a little KB reunion, two dr. visits for the babe, a baby shower (not for me!), sleep training #2, massive teething, and the rest of life's daily occurrences.

Here is a little glimpse of my babe this week.

I wanted to share a little piece of our sermon this week that I felt like was really worth chewing on.

Pastor Mark preached a sermon on investing out of Luke 19:11-27 yesterday. He talked about how Jesus is a King and he reigns over the Kingdom of God. In God's Kingdom - people are loved, God is honored, and life is valued. Doesn't that sound amazing?

He also explained that God gives each of us talents, time, treasures, and we are to make a good return with what he gives to us. We will receive varying degrees of reward based on how we invest our life. This does NOT mean that we believe in a works based gospel. But your faith in Jesus to cover your sins is shown by a changed life, desire, and motive.

Pastor Mark exhorted us to not waste our lives. To use what God has given us for his glory!

So, through the parable of the ten minas, a nobleman gave large sums of money to ten servants and told them to engage in business until he came back. One man made ten more minas, one made five more, and one hid the mina in a handkerchief and made nothing.

So the question is, what am I hiding in a handkerchief that the Lord wants to bless, grow, expand, and use for his glory?

I could be hiding

-bible reading

-prayer

-fellowship

-some talent that he has given

-friendship

-marriage

-parenting

-evangelism

-worship

-money

-time management

inside my handkerchief.

But I don't want to. I want to figure out what I'm hiding and take it out. To allow the Lord to mold, shape, and transform me in that area. So that I'm not wasting my life. So that I'm glorifying Him in ALL I do.

What are you hiding in your handkerchief?

lift up your eyes.

In one of his books, CS Lewis talks about how so often we are content with swimming in a mud puddle when God has a huge ocean ready for our enjoyment. We become fine with sin and icky, muddy waters when we can have clear, Jesus filled, beautiful blue water to enjoy.

I had an experience this weekend that really made me think of this verse. My mom lovingly took Siena (while teething!) on Friday night so that Chris and I could go to an event without her. The next morning we got to sleep in (8:30 - really sleeping in for us!), grabbed McDonalds for breakfast (which he NEVER gives in to!) and then headed over to North Bend to little Mt. Si for a morning hike.

We were about fifteen minutes into the hike when I told Chris to stop. I had realized something. Below my feet was wet, muddy, slippery, rock filled trails. When I was no longer concerned with tripping into the ick, I looked up and was struck by the glorious sight. We were in a beautiful forest. The green of the trees was so bright and the rain coming down made everything so fresh. I was so worried about taking the right step that for the first part of the hike I didn't even look at where we were headed. If I had continued that way for the entire hike I never would have taken in God's creation and the moment that he created for me to take it all in.

When I think about my life, it is a little like this trail. I get too focused on the mucky, dirty, bumpy trail. The hardships and the sin get overwhelming and that is all that I can concentrate on.

But when you lift up your eyes.
My, it's a pretty sight.

Jesus is glorious. Even more glorious than those trees. His scripture is life-giving like the oxygen that comes from the leaves. His presence is fresh and new each time you meet with him.

Why do we keep our eyes on the deep depravity of sin when we can lift our eyes and gaze upon the rich beauty of our Lord?

This is my goal.

Control.

Control.
Control the amount of sleep your daughter gets.
Control the way your body looks.
Control the sound of your husband's activity.
Control the people around you so you stay happy.
Control the food that goes in your mouth.
Control the friends that you've been blessed with.
Control the ministry that is a gift.
Control the blog that you've started.
Control the relationship you have with the Lord.
Control the amount of anger you feel.
Control the way people look at you.
Control the cleanliness of your house.
Control the _______________.
Control.

The lovely golden idol I have crafted is beautiful on the outside. My daughter gets good sleep. My body is healthy. My ministry is thriving. My emotions are contained. My marriage is normal. My relationships are good.

The deceitful, shiny, fake God that I have created is not beautiful.
This is the truth.

I desire to control everything.
I try my best to control everything.
I manipulate others to get my way.

and when I don't -
all chaos brakes lose.
anxiety comes crashing down on me in an instant like a ton of bricks.
i cry.
my family is mistreated.
my friends are neglected.
my husband is torn in bits.
i'm exhausted by the constant juggling of the 1,000 things.
my joy cannot be found within this sparkly idol of control.

So I cry out to Him who is my JOY.

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all the day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.

I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,"
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.

Therefore let everyone who is godly offer
prayer to you at a time when you may be found;
surely in the rush of great waters,
they shall not reach him.
You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble;
you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
Be not like the horse or a mule, without understanding,
which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.

Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.
Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous,
and shout for joy , all you upright in heart.
Psalm 32

Praise the Lord!

It's been awhile

since I've been around these parts. Well, a week to be exact. I was on my blog a week ago & felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to stay off my blog for a week. I think I may have a little of an addictive personality when I am only listening to my flesh and not yielding myself to the Holy Spirit.

So, when I hear his voice loud and clear about something I know it is for my good to listen.

A few days into the little blog purge, I realized something. I don't usually partake in lent - I feel like I need to focus on Jesus every day and when he shows me that something has become an idol in my life, it doesn't matter what time of the year it is, I need to stop, think, pray, and re-organize my life. But without knowing it, it was like a little version of lent right in my heart. He told me I was too obsessed. He told me I cared too much. He told me to look away for awhile.

And I did. And it was great. It freed up SO much time. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE the blog world that I have found myself in. I love my google reader and the way it keeps me up to date.

But if it is causing you to

a) Care less about your home

b) Spend less time with your children

c) Spend less time in prayer

d) Spend less time with your Savior

e) Forget about things in "real" world

f) Make you feel as if you are right back in the midst of the high school popularity contest

or a million other things...

Then I have to tell you sister. Stop. Take a BREAK. Make your husband's coffee & breakfast. And maybe even lunch. Meal plan for your family. Throw some laundry in the wash. Clean your bathroom. Change your sheets. Play with your baby. Kiss your husband. Get in a quiet place and CRY OUT to God for the people in your life who don't know him. Open up scripture & ask the Holy Spirit to change your heart and understand it and what it means for YOU.

I love you. I don't want you to be my walking partner down the trail of that.

Lets remember to GLORIFY him in everything. Even the amount of time that we spend doing this sweet thing he has given us.

Oh, and since I have been on here in awhile... check out these two posts! This one is a post that our church had us write when we were installed as deacons. This sweet one is our pictures taken by the lovely Jhen when we were in Cali a few weeks back. Enjoy!

bed.early...

Bed. Sounds good right now. This has been a long day.

At about 3:30/4ish I fed Siena, layed her back in her crib, and came back to bed. Soon after I could tell something was wrong with Chris. Ugh. No! He was JUST sick. He JUST got better.

He got up quickly and went to the bathroom and that's when I knew. My poor husband who was sick for a long time was now sick again. For some reason I just figured he would beat this.

So, we missed church again. It really kills me. I love the community we have here. I love the family that I have in the church. I love how refreshing most Sundays are. But today my call was to love and serve my husband at home while he lay on the couch. I couldn't do much for him except grab him an extra blanket, throw away tissues, make a smoothie, and run my fingers through his hair. Poor guy.

I will be starting up my thankfulness posts again. Hopefully tomorrow. I need to catch my breath from all this sickness. Thats just what it has been. Sick. So.. check back soon for some encouragement from the Word. Because today, I am getting it from other people & I don't have much strength to give it out.






At least I threw in some cute pictures of my sweet mama and her first grandbaby!

earplugs.

You probably will think this is really strange. But it's basically survival mode turned daily routine. When we were living with my in laws for the first two months of Siena's life our little "suite" was on the main floor of the house. So, when I was exhausted and my 17 year old brother in law was watching Cougar basketball I could not sleep. He is THE Cougnumberonefan. My father in law had the idea to grab me a pair of ear plugs and see if that worked any wonders.

Truly, I say thank you Jesus for ear plugs.

Well, ever since... I have used them for all or part of the night. With a young baby you ask??? Yes. I know. My mom also thinks it is very strange. I just feel at peace with Siena's life and these little plugs have helped me get some much needed rest. So, when we moved into this house and our lovely neighbor's owned a rooster with a very messed up internal clock (meaning he goes off from 3am-4pm & is going off right now at 9:19am) my little friends came in VERY handy.

Not only have they helped me sleep, they have also given the hubster and I a few laughs together. I couldn't find one of my favorite pair for days. This was extremely frustrating to say the least. I went out into the living room one day and the other one was sitting there. I got so excited and told Chris, "Yay!!! I found my other ear plug!" We laughed and laughed at how excited I was.

It seems like it has been forever since I last posted. Life has just been busy and yesterday I was sick all day with the flu. Very icky stuff. This weekend was supposed to be filled with three birthday parties and lots of fun stuff. Now I am just queasy and tired and won't be going anywhere today. Oh well, God's plan is better than mine.

loveyou.



Cindy,

You were born on October 17th, 2010 at 2:31 in the afternoon. That time was so easy to remember because I was born at 2:32pm. We are one minute and a whole bunch of years apart. I was pretty nervous going to the hospital because I wasn't sure what to expect. But the whole thing was an amazing experience. Jesus was there for us the whole time and helped me to relax and get excited to meet you. The entire lobby was packed out with people to meet you when you arrived. Family and friends who are like family... It was amazing. Miss Heidi was in the delivery room to take sweet pictures of you when you were born. Grammie was there too to support me and of course daddy was too. Our midwife was amazing. A midwife is a person that specializes in labor and delivery. Her name was Debra and she went to Mars Hill and was such a support and help. We also had amazing nurses and one in particular, Kimmie, was a Christian too and so sweet. Debra asked daddy if he wanted to deliver you and he surprised me by saying yes. So the first person who held you was your sweet daddy. We stayed at the hospital for one night and then went to Papa and Grandma's house. I was very tired, sore, and a little stressed. Taking care of a little, precious bundle was a new job for me! You ate every two hours all day long for the first four weeks of your life. You and I would get up in the middle of the night and go into this special little room that Papa and Grandma set up for us. It had your changing table and a rocking chair. I would change your diaper every time (I didn't want it to be the reason you woke up) while you screamed very loud. Then I would nurse you and rock you until you fell asleep. Many many times you would spit up so much after eating that I would have to change you and swaddle you again when you were sleepy. This would wake you up so it would take about an hour to put you back to sleep. Thank you Jesus for my iPhone. I used it a lot in the wee hours of the morning to pass the time. If only I knew how short that time was. Daddy finally taught me how to put you to sleep more quickly. We would hold you upright on our chest and bounce around the room. I would do this for at least ten minutes. Sometimes back and forth through the laundry room and sometimes through the entire downstairs. We did this about five times a night. Sometimes I would think you were asleep but you weren't. Right when I layed you down you woke up and cried and I would do it all over again. There were times in these first few weeks that were very hard. We were just getting used to each other and feeding you was especially hard. A lot of times you weren't able to eat because there was too much milk. You would cry and cry and then I would cry and cry. Daddy would help me to calm down and explain to me that you knew that I was upset and so you didn't want to eat. Eventually we got the hang of it. Baby bell, you are the sweetest gift (apart from knowing Jesus and marrying daddy) that I have ever received. I will love you forever. I am praying that you meet Jesus at an early age and live your whole sweet life praising and glorifying him and making his name great.

Mama

**Cindy is Siena's nickname from Chris off of the nickname Cinderella.... yes we have nicknames from nicknames :)

Day 7

Good morning. It's not sunny outside but I am feeling accomplished and joyful despite our circumstances. I feel a desire to write as each day I read this book it relates to what I am going through. I've done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen floor, tidied the living room, and then sat down to read. But none of this really matters even though I've checked it off my "list". We have a more pressing item in our lives. Chris continues to feel sick each day. It has progressed to him feeling ill deep in his core and stomach. He finally had his phone appointment today with the doctor and she said she doesn't know anything more. His iron level is low and he has weird enzymes on his liver. This sound familiar to my host of doctor readers?

So... with that she is referring us to internal medicine. He has ultrasounds this Friday and an appointment with the doctor at internal medicine next Wednesday. I asked my sweet husband if he was scared and he said, "no... bummed."

Am I scared? If I sit here and think about it too long, yes. Yes I am. I am so tired of seeing my poor husband shivering on the couch wrapped up in both of our coug blankets. I am tired of seeing him take medicine every 4 hours to control his fevers. I am tired of him barely eating what I make for dinner because he has no appetite. I am tired of him not wanting to take anything for lunch because nothing ever sounds good. I am tired of him being so sick that coffee would make him nauseous and so I don't get to make it for him each night like I always did. I am tired of our relationships being different in this home because he is so tired. I am tired of so many things.

But that is not the point.
And I know it.

I don't know the point yet. Maybe I never will. Maybe this will turn out to be nothing & he will be better tomorrow. Maybe it will turn into something that will change our lives forever. I don't know.

But I know the one who does know.
Do you?

Today's section in the book is so fitting. It is about hoping in Christ. At this moment and at all moments that is all we have to lean on. Or it should be.

I will leave you with a lengthy excerpt from the book because I love it and I cannot write as well as she can. It is so worth reading.

One chilly morning in December 1982 as I was returning home from a walk along the beach, I came to the end of myself. Nothing made sense anymore. I sat down right where I was and sobbed.

"God," I cried out, "who are you? Do you care anything about me? I feel hopeless. I've tried to find you. I want to know you."

Seconds passed. Then, ever so gently, a stream of familiar words came to mind: "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me". I had read these words of Jesus Christ in John's gospel (14:6) dozens of times. Why did they sound so different now? I wondered. Then I knew. I had never let them in before. I had never heard them for myself.

That winter day I did hear them - for me. I jumped up. "Jesus Christ is the way to God!" I shouted to the waves and sky. And to think I almost missed him! Here was the hope I had been looking for. No higher power, life force, or spiritual guide had offered me such assurance. "O God, thank you for your Son, Jesus," I whispered.

Everything was new in that moment. I was no longer a victim of my husband's actions against me. All have sinned and all fall short of the glory of God. That included me. I had known that from Paul's teaching (Romans 3:23) but until today I had never taken it to heart. No wonder I had not fully received this gift before. I had not seen myself as a sinner because I was too preoccupied with the sins others had committed against me. But that day I knew I needed forgiveness as much as anyone else. How grateful I was to know from my own experience that Christ did not come for the righteous but for sinners to repent. I was a sinner, and I prayed that day for forgiveness as I put my hope and trust in Christ as my Savior.

JOB Day 7- Have you received Christ's gift? If so, write down why you are thankful for it. If you haven't, write down where you are on your journey toward Christ.

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**If you desire to cultivate a heart of thankfulness & are willing to try it for 31 days (give or take - there is always grace here) - post a comment during any of my blogs that relate to thankfulness.
I will send you a gift at the end to show my thankfulness for you. If you are curious what the JOB is read my post here.

No Condemnation

This morning was rough & I just want to tell you that if you are going to read my blog - you are in for the honest truth. I need this to be a place that I can pour my heart out. Even if not everyone agrees with me. Even if not everyone enjoys my blog posts. Even if it takes a heart-pounding twenty minutes to get the truth typed out.

This morning I woke up and felt a funny feeling in my stomach. A feeling I haven't felt this deep in a little over a year. Guilt. Heart-wrenching, stomach churning, disgusting guilt. Condemning guilt.

It was overwhelming.

I came out to my couch this morning around 7:15 before my family was awake. I sat and thought and processed and cried out to the Lord. I read my bible. I told him I was sorry. Sorry for treating his precious child the way that I had. I had a week of really yielding myself to the Holy Spirit and out of that was an outpouring of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control. The fruit of the Spirit were so evident in my life and relationships with my husband and daughter.

I'm not sure what happened. But I stopped the constant yielding. I started listening to my flesh and giving in to the temptation to be angry and selfish. Yesterday CK stayed home from work because he was sick on Valentines Day. It was a pretty low key day and we watched a movie, ate sandwiches that were supposed to be for his work party, and stayed in sweats. But by 4 (this happens to be my turning point in most days) I was exhausted and succumbing to my emotional self.

Chris helped me as much as he could but Siena was out of sorts, tired, and fussy. We made dinner and enjoyed it with our good friend Sendhil. We all laughed and had a good evening and eventually Sendhil left after we devoured yummy gluten free dessert made by our sweet friend Lexi. Right after he left, Siena woke up and was fussy. I was determined to have her sleep till 9:15 so she would be in bed on schedule at 10pm. My schedule that is. This didn't work and so eventually I fed her. Twenty minutes in to the feeding, she stopped eating which angered me even more. So... I took her in her room and tried to put her to sleep. She refused and I held her head to my chest as she tried moving it back and forth and cried out. Every little thing she did frustrated me and two minutes later my sweet husband came in to rescue me. He tried for a few minutes and asked if she could still be hungry. Boy, was she ever. I was trying to forcefully put my precious angel to sleep on a half full tummy. I then tried again to put her to sleep but getting upset Chris again took her from me and laid her down. Little Siena woke up 5 mins later and her amazing daddy went back in on a sick day, when he had to work the next morning, and got her to sleep once again.

Why am I stuck in feelings of guilt and condemnation?
Why I am stuck in the cycle of unrighteousness and sin?
Why do I choose disgusting choices over fruit that comes only from my loving God?

Those are questions that I ask myself whenever I struggle.

But...

I. Know. The. Answer.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person - though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die - but God shows his love for us in that while we were STILL SINNERS, Christ died for us. Since, therefore we have been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." - Romans 5:6-11

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1-2

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment; the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their deeds were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been carried out in God." - John 3:16-21


I refuse to let my life and circumstances stay in the darkness. I am bringing them into the light so that Jesus has control and the enemy has none.